Finding the Sweet Spot

Finding the Sweet Spot

How Serving Others and Oneself Leads to
Open Doors, Sustainability, and Balance

"Don't ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive and then go do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.”

-Howard Thurman

If you are like most humans, you are likely concerned with living a meaningful and impactful life.  Inevitably, at some point you are going to be faced with the question of “What path to take?”  We are faced with an overwhelming amount of choices at every step in our lives.  Choosing a path is enough to elicit anxiety in even the most stoic among us!  We hear the wisdom of our sages urging us to serve others, rebuke material gain, and make an impact, while our current dominant culture can endorse opulence, 70-hour workweeks, and worldly power as the right path.  The conflicting messages can sometimes paralyze us in our search for purpose and make determining the “right” path a seemingly impossible task.

In my work as an educator at The Pioneer Project, I try to help students work through these difficult questions.  One way I have helped students identify potential paths is by showing them the diagram pictured here.  In this diagram, I endorse “The Middle Way” that keeps us from sliding too far toward either end of the spectrum. 

I use the word “good” to describe activities and philosophies that yield fulfillment, joy, justice, health, and vitality.  You may find that over time, things that feel undoubtedly “good” to you are those that promote these values in the wider community, like eating sustainably farmed food, exercising, spending time in nature, and cultivating mindfulness.  Identifying those things that are truly good for you and for others will take ample experience and reflection, but it is integral to the process of choosing a life path!

In this model, sliding too far to the “Good For Me” side of things can lead to a life of self-absorption and greed and sliding too far to the “Good For Others” side can result in a lack of self-care and eventual burnout. There is no shortage of celebrities and public figures that glamorize the extremes of the self-serving side of the spectrum.  You will see that the model I propose implies that a life in service of others in some way is essential to reach the Sweet Spot, so I am dismissing those self-serving folks as caricatures of misguided success.  If you are stuck on this side of the spectrum, it may be helpful to go volunteer, help a friend, mentor a young person, travel to economically depressed regions of the world, or somehow immerse yourself in the service of others to discover its merits!

However, it is also essential that we do the reflection to figure out what really is good for our soul, healthy for our bodies, and what reasonable luxuries matter to us.  If we neglect our own needs, we cannot fully realize our potential to serve others and be the most effective versions of ourselves.  Take the proverbial advice of the flight attendant and, “Put on your own oxygen mask before you help your neighbor.”  This is a reasonable selfishness that is taught in any emergency medical course because you can’t truly help anyone (for very long, anyway!) if you are neglecting your own safety, health, or sanity.  This lesson is highly pertinent to our choice of our life’s path as well.  If we are truly going to “change the world” as most of us aspire to do, we must consider the options that best match our competencies and passions while meeting our physical, spiritual, and emotional needs.

For me, it was always tempting to slide to the other side of the spectrum – “Good for Others.”  For whatever reason, I told myself the story that radical altruism was the only righteous path.  As a young man, I was saddened by the injustices in our world and was fervently committed to serving others – especially in the developing world.  This led to service-oriented trips to over 15 countries and a slough of powerful learning experiences.  Over time, it occurred to me that I had some interesting motives behind my desire to serve others.  I discovered that part of it stemmed from a lack of self-love, a misconception about “needy” people, and a desperate anxiety about the state of the world.  As it turns out, the world is actually pretty amazing and the folks I thought I needed to save actually saved me in many ways by showing me another way of life in contrast with my own culture.  I also learned through working with the some of the wealthiest and poorest students in the world that crises exist in every part of the socioeconomic spectrum and that all people need a listening ear, a helping hand, and a caring friend.  So, if you find yourself on this side of the spectrum, move closer to the Sweet Spot by ensuring that your activities in service are a personal passion, respectful of those you hope to serve, and feed your vitality.  Though it is honorable to “fight the good fight” and neglect our own needs for a time, over the long haul it can be unsustainable and lead to burnout, compassion fatigue, and other crises of the spirit.

When we find the activities and interests that rest in the Sweet Spot intersection and focus our energy on those pursuits, the world tends to conspire on our behalf to reveal open doors we never noticed before.  Why might this be?  I believe that humans are inspired by those leaders who have devoted their lives to an altruistic pursuit, but still take the time to cultivate health and happiness in their own lives – tending responsibly to their internal flame so they don’t burn out.  These on-lookers can become collaborators by offering their help along the way when you are in need (i.e. "The world conspiring on your behalf.").  Living a life in service of others and that honors your own needs is a tricky endeavor, but is certainly possible and is the most direct path towards a sustainably positive, balanced lifestyle.

So, take the time to fill out this diagram for yourself.  What interests and options fit on one side or the other, and which ones fall in “The Sweet Spot?”  Often, it takes a leap of faith and a good deal of effort to re-orient our lives towards the Sweet Spot, but I believe this effort is well worth it!

Adam Haigler is the Co-founder and Director of The Pioneer Project, an educational immersion program for college-age students that focuses on sustainable living, traditional craft, and outdoor leadership in western North Carolina.  Learn more at www.pioneerproject.org